Do you ever wonder what happens in the Nexus after a match ends and the fighting is done? Does everyone crowd around the broken core and shake hands (or other alien limbs)? Do they clap each other’s backs and make plans for the weekend? A holiday party, even?
You never wondered that? Well, too bad. You’re about to find out what each and every hero would be doing during the annual Nexus holiday party, which could be real if Blizzard would give us some cooler events. Seriously, what the hell was Craft Wars supposed to be, honestly– And before you ask: yes, Hogger is on this list.
Yes, every hero. In alphabetical order.
Abathur is analyzing the turkey’s genetic material. He thinks ham would have been a more logical decision.
Alarak got really curious when someone said they were going to the “throne room”. His disappointment was immeasurable when he found out it was actually just the bathroom.
Alexstrasza has transformed into a dragon and is cooking the turkey with her breath. If you pull her wing like a crank, it adjusts the temperature of the fire.
Ana is making tea on the stove and overseeing the cooking. Despite only having one real eye, everyone insists that she has another on the back of her head.
Anduin is holding a silent vigil for Varian. He’s shocked when Varian actually walks through the door an hour later. Varian just gives him an “‘Atta boy!” and a hearty slap on the back.
Anub’arak is having his beetles act as waiters, carrying platters to and from the dinner table. Zagara mistakes one of the beetles for the meal and eats it, much to Anub’arak’s chagrin.
Artanis is manning the door, taking coats as everyone walks (or flies, or slithers, or crawls) in. He refuses to let Zagara in until she threatens to have one of her Banelings melt the door down.
Arthas is out in the snow kicking Jaina’s snowman down, because the cold never bothered him anyway.
Auriel is playing cards on the dinner table before the food is set out. Her poker face is unbeatable.
Azmodan is reading a bedtime story to all of his demon lieutenants before sending them back to Hell with a glass of warm milk and reminding them to leave cookies out for Diablo Claus. It’s surprisingly wholesome.
Blaze is curled up near the fire. He keeps trying to turn up the heat on his electric blanket, eventually setting it on fire by accident.
Brightwing keeps teleporting behind everyone and scaring them. Chromie finally has to pull her aside and remind her that it’s not Halloween anymore.
The Butcher stole an entire hunk of ham out of the fridge and is gnawing on it happily. That hunk was supposed to feed 30 of the partygoers.
Cassia refuses to break her workout regimen and jogs circles around the house. While eating at the table, she’s using one of those under-the-desk pedal machines to keep going.
Chen brought a keg to the party, much to the younger heroes’ delight. He keeps handing drinks to Whitemane and Yrel while keeping a significant amount for himself.
Cho’gall is, predictably, fighting among themselves. Gall wants to play Auriel in cards, but Cho keeps driving them to the fridge for snacks, earning swats from Ana.
Chromie, in an attempt to get Brightwing to calm down, is playing chess with her. She keeps reversing time to change her moves.
Deathwing, feeling contemptuous, didn’t come to the party, deciding to hold a rival party instead. The only people who show up are a couple of minions.
Deckard Cain is telling holiday stories in front of the fire. Every few minutes, he puts himself to sleep.
Dehaka, seeking to evolve his mental state along with his physical being, is debating Kharazim in philosophy.
Diablo, having come from a warmer climate, is freezing. He decides to open a few demonic portals in one of the bedrooms, hoping that Hell’s heat will flow through. Heroes who enter that room are not coming out again.
D.Va is holed up in one of the rooms with her PC, absolutely destroying Lucio at Starcraft. They have a bet going that if Lucio can beat her at least once, she’ll give him her number. She’s planning on losing. Eventually.
E.T.C. is playing his guitar extremely loudly in the living room. He keeps cranking up his amp until Ana yells from the kitchen that she’d rather not lose an ear along with her eye.
Falstad is trying to protect his mount from being mistaken as the evening’s main course. It’s happened three times already.
Fenix, having gotten tired of his mechanical body, is looking for a new, more festive ride. With Gazlowe’s help, he manages to inhabit a sleigh. He nearly drives it into a window.
Garrosh is using his axe to cut the fruitcake. If he likes someone, he throws a piece at their mouth.
Gazlowe is attempting to flirt with the Elf on the Shelf that someone left out. The Elf breaks its usual rules to actively turn away.
Genji, in the spirit of the season, forgives Hanzo for attempting to kill him. Later on, Genji realizes that his wine tastes a little strange.
Greymane is in wolf form and is hunting in the nearby woods. He’s the one who caught the turkey for dinner, which explains the bite marks in its side.
Gul’dan is trying to make sure nothing gets broken, as the house belongs to him. He’s put a surprise demonic circle under the toilet in preparation for Varian’s next visit.
Hanzo, after failing to poison Genji, starts brainstorming other ways to kill him. He asks Valeera for advice. She asks for advance payment.
Hogger is introducing himself to everyone and getting used to the Nexus. He’s chatting with Murky about mob politics.
Illidan is playing hide-and-seek with Maiev.
Imperius is trying to take the temperature of the turkey, but he keeps stabbing it just a little too hard. Ana has dodged a flying turkey several times now.
Jaina is painstakingly building a snowman with her water elemental, only to have it destroyed by a very pissy Arthas. Later, she freezes a pond for the Lost Vikings to skate on.
Johanna is trying to say a few words of grace over the dinner table, but she keeps getting interrupted by the Butcher roaring for more meat and Deckard’s copious snoring.
Junkrat is dressed as Santa and is delivering “gifts” to everyone at the party. Anyone who opens theirs gets a smoke bomb in the face.
Kael’thas is seeing how high he can get the fire’s flames to go. He’s forced to stop when Deckard complains that he’s getting a tan on his back.
Kel’thuzad is on top of the chimney playing around with weather magic. He makes it sleet, ignoring the chorus of complaints from everyone out on the lawn.
Kerrigan is waiting for Raynor under the mistletoe. After they clear everyone out of the room with their fake bickering, they share a quiet moment to themselves.
Kharazim is getting bored of debating philosophy with Dehaka, whose “consume everything” mentality doesn’t really mesh with ideals of higher-order thinking. He decides to trail Cassia on her runs.
Leoric is building a mausoleum out of couch cushions and blankets. He ropes a minion into guarding the entrance.
Li Li is helping to brew Ana’s tea on the stove. She takes a sip of it when it’s done and is shocked to find that it contains vodka.
Li-Ming is doing her homework by the light of the fire. She asks Sonya for a calculator. Sonya hands her an abacus.
The Lost Vikings are skating on the pond that Jaina froze for them. When Erik accidentally crashes through the ice into the water, Olaf and Baleog have to form a human chain to fish him out.
Lt. Morales is patching up the younger heroes who get cuts and scrapes. She refuses to help when Zeratul asks for a Band-Aid for his “boo-boo”.
Lucio is getting rekt by D.Va at Starcraft. In between matches, he’s carefully constructing the party playlist. The older heroes are complaining about it.
Lunara is trying to get flowers to grow out of the snow. When she can’t make it work, she weaves some dead ones into her mane and shrugs. Xul finds it strangely attractive.
Maiev is extremely angry that she keeps losing to Illidan in hide-and-seek.
Mal’Ganis is shouting “I must feed!” every time he takes a bite of his dinner. E.T.C. starts tapping his fork on the table to give it a beat.
Malfurion is on the porch, dusting snow off his “herb” garden.
Malthael is listening to screamo in the bedroom with the door closed and all the lights turned off. Every time someone invites him to join the party downstairs, he yells that no one can stop death–from sulking.
Medivh is sitting on the mantel in owl form, watching the party go on. Right when everyone is about to eat, he freezes them all in time and skips to the front of the buffet line.
Mei is out in the snow studying a garden shambler that got frozen. She’ll end up naming it and taking it back to her lab as it tries to bite her fingers.
Mephisto has arranged a ton of advent candles in a circle and is attempting to light them all at once with his lightning ring. The result summons a very annoyed Diablo.
Muradin is eating a lollipop that’s as big as he is. He’s happy until Ana snatches it out of his hands and clocks him with it for having his dessert first.
Murky is agreeing with Hogger that mobs are utterly disrespected by the wider Azeroth community. They decide to start a rehab group for discouraged and depressed mob members.
Nazeebo is participating in a white elephant with his zombies. They all got each other the same thing – brains.
Nova is shivering in the snow after being turned away at the door for being in a Halloween costume. She keeps banging on the door and insisting that she’s not a ghost.
Orphea is annoyed that the Raven Lord won’t let her go to the party until she finishes her vegetables. When he has his back turned, she feeds them to Chomp under the table.
Probius brings his entire extended family – millions of probes – to the party. After they all get inside, walking through the house is like walking through a ball pit.
Qhira is sharpening her blade and watching the news by herself, trying to find her next bounty. She’s keeping an eye on Ana in the kitchen and secretly hoping that she’s that cool when she gets old.
Ragnaros is using his lava to power the stove. Every once in a while, he mutters something about “demeaning work,” which makes Ana kick him in the butt.
Raynor is writing tiny love notes to Kerrigan and making goo-goo eyes at her from across the room. He stops when Li-Ming and Lucio make retching noises at him.
Rehgar is hunting in the woods with Greymane. Later, he eats at the Ghosts Anonymous dinner table with Leoric and Nova.
Rexxar is watching Misha run happily through the snow. She has her own party planned with the polar bears of the Nexus.
Samuro is watching anime in the attic. He almost misses dinner because he’s too absorbed in the series finale of Naruto.
Sgt. Hammer is smoking a cigar near the fireplace and drunkenly singing carols. She’s sporting a new tattoo from Malthael that’s both edgy and vaguely misshapen.
Sonya is having an eating contest with the Butcher. So far, she’s winning.
Stitches is apologizing to Gul’dan for eating the entire sofa–and the heroes on it–as his appetizer. Gul’dan gets so mad that Stitches eats him, too.
Stukov is warming his arm by the fire and feeding it burnt bits from the turkey. It tries to thank him, but it can only manage an encouraging gurgle.
Sylvanas is crankily setting the table for dinner. She secretly wishes she was upstairs listening to screamo with Malthael.
Tassadar is watching D.Va and Lucio play Starcraft. He’s making a note to ask Artanis why they’re in this strange video game.
Thrall is sighing to himself as he puts away a nativity set someone made where he’s the baby.
Tracer is zipping between all the rooms in the house, putting up last-minute decorations. She notices that someone put away the Thrall nativity set and puts it back on the table in the hallway.
Tychus, against all better judgement, arrived in his Speedo. Despite visibly shivering during the post-dinner snowball war, he refuses to admit that he’s cold.
Tyrael is participating in the snowball war out on the lawn. He doesn’t find it very funny when he slips on a patch of ice and Jaina calls it “Tyrael’s fall”.
Tyrande is tossing out Malfurion’s “”herb”” plants every time his back is turned.
Uther is chopping trees in the backyard for firewood. When he thinks no one is looking, he chucks a log at Arthas.
Valeera is sitting in the shadows cast by the fire. Arthas comes by and asks if she’ll kill Uther for him, to which she responds, “Not happening.”
Valla is throwing darts with Zul’jin. The more the both of them throw, the faster they get. Everyone’s giving them a very wide berth.
Varian is arguing with Alarak over who the real “high lord” is. They have their blades at each other’s throats before a drunk Chen stumbles between them and knocks them apart.
Whitemane is singing carols with Yrel. At first they were cute and fun, but they’re getting increasingly fanatical as both women get drunker.
Xul is on the front lawn, attempting to summon the skeleton of the frozen shambler. Mei snatches it away and tells him he’s being weird.
Yrel is pretending to be as drunk as Whitemane, but she’s actually much better at holding her liquor. She’s morbidly curious as to how drunk Whitemane will get.
Zagara isn’t eating any dinner, as she’s already full from her appetizer of one of Anub’arak’s beetles. One of her Banelings accidentally crashes into the front door, burning an acid hole in the bottom and creating an impromptu cat door.
Zarya is lifting some of the smaller heroes up into the snowy trees so they can climb them. On second glance, she’s lifting the larger heroes up, too.
Zeratul is trying to find someone to heal his cut after being rejected by Morales. He decides to stop asking when he sees Stukov grinning from across the room.
Zul’jin, annoyed that he’s being beaten in darts by Valla, tosses one of his axes at the board, splintering it. When dinner is served later on, everyone finds wood chips in their food.
Did you expect some sort of funny outro here? I made jokes for literally every single hero. Go read them again if you want to laugh.
Happy holidays from the NGS writing team!